Harvest Pointe Christian Church, Milford Ohio is a non-denominational Christian Church (Church of Christ) on the Eastside of Cincinnati OH

Living Together Will Prepare Us for Marriage | Series: Spiritual Mythbusters | 05-17-09

Living Together Will Prepare Us for Marriage
Series:  Spiritual Mythbusters
Proverbs 14:12

  I. God:  The Designer of Marriage.

 II. Marriage:  A Supernatural Union.

III. Christians:  The Most Sexually Fulfilled.

 IV. Sexual Immorality:  A Sin.

  V. Marriage:  A Life-long Commitment.

Full Text 

Bradley and Kate meet.
Screen shows loving couple
They begin to fall in love.
Next they decide to take it to the next level.
Everyone knows that
"Living Together Will Prepare Us for Marriage"
So Bradley and Kate decide to give it a try.

Besides, if it doesn't work out,
they can always go their separate ways and
no one is hurt, right?

There is another way.

Chris and Paula meet.
Screen shows another loving couple
They begin to fall in love.
Next they decide to take it to the next level.

But this couple is out of step with society.
Instead of living together,
they get engaged.
There is no sex until after the wedding ceremony.
Screen shows a wedding
The traditional wedding ceremony begins:
"Dear friends, we are gathered here in the sight of God and in the presence of these witnesses to unite this man and this woman in holy matrimony, which is an honorable state, instituted by God."

Some of the people at the wedding can't believe that
in this day and age 2 virgins are getting married!


Some are mystified as to why?
Some make fun of them, calling them dweebs.
They think this couple has missed out on so much of life.
How can Chris and Paula know if they are compatible
if they don't live together first?
Surely they are putting their future in jeopardy.
They must be the only ones on the planet
weird enough to do this!
This couple makes no sense at all!

Time passes.
Let's see what happened to Bradley and Kate.
Screen shows original picture, but then
explosion, or whatever and
this is where the depiction of anger, monstrousness, or whatever comes into place and the "busted" symbol can be stamped over them or the statement:
"Living Together Will Prepare Us for Marriage"
Bradley and Kate went their separate ways,
but both were hurt badly
They are now both damaged goods.

And what about Chris and Paula?
Show original picture but fades into older couple holding hands and walking through a field or happily sitting on a porch swing or something

They spent the rest of their lives together,
blissfully married and
sexually satisfied.

Does this seem to go against all logic?
Does it seem like fairy tale stuff?
Does this go against everything we see
on TV and in the movies?

Yes, it does fly in the face of all this.
But it is REALITY!
This is based on hard research.
The numbers do not lie.
Today we want to blast away the myth that says,
"living together will prepare us for marriage.

This sermon will be heard by
people who are not here today.

I know that there will be some who are
currently living with a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and
there may be some awkward moments
in this message.

There also may be some of you who did
move in together before you were married.

I want you to know that
we love you and
we care a great deal about you,
your marriage, and
your future family.
I pray that you would just listen with
an open heart and an open mind
to what God is saying to you.
It used to be that when 2 people found each other,
they looked forward to marriage with great anticipation.

But increasingly couples approach that day
with a lot of caution.
The divorce rate of past generations
has made this generation
a little fearful of marriage.

If you think about it,
it is a pretty risky proposition.
Today it is like playing Russian roulette with three bullets.

And if your marriage is one of those that survives,
the chances of your being happily married are even less.

So for many couples the solution is to just live together,
to enjoy all the benefits of marriage
without any of the commitment.

I've read that since 1970 the number of people who are living together has grown 700%!

If you think about it, it does seem like the rational,
even responsible thing to do, right?

I wouldn't even buy a car without test driving it first.

In fact, I wouldn't even buy a pair of shoes
without putting them on first.
It seems like the logical thing to do.

Why would we want to commit to
living the rest of our lives with a person
if we don't know what it's like?

People have friends who think they are crazy
for getting married without living together first.

Parents tell their kids,
"You're too young to get married.
Just live together for awhile and
see if this whole thing is going to work out."
And it does seem like the responsible thing to do.

The book Shacking Up captures the worldview
of today's culture.
It says that with half of new marriages ending in divorce
the responsible thing to do is to have (what they call)
a "trial marriage"
where you test the waters before tying the knot.
It seems like a reasonable thing to do.

But Proverbs 14:12 says, "There is a way that seems right to a man, [It seems right]
but in the end it leads to death."

There is a way that seems to make the most sense.
A path that seems to be the obvious choice.
But be careful because that path leads to destruction.

That is why the Bible tells us in Proverbs 3:5-6
"5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
       and lean not on your own understanding;
 6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
       and he will make your paths straight."

So you say,
"I am not going to trust my own judgment
on these issues.
I am not going to trust my own reasoning,
what seems right to me.
I am going to go with what God says and
believe that He will work things out,
believe that His way is the best way of all."

So, let's talk openly about this subject.
I think it's very important that we do because
we hear so many different messages about this issue
all the time.

Besides, the Bible talks about this topic a great deal.

In preparing this message I Googled "cohabitation".
I was surprised by all the studies by groups that
are anything but Christian that
all said the same thing the Bible says.

For instance, research at The University of Wisconsin
tells us that a couple that cohabitates before marriage
has about a 75% chance of getting divorced. According to their research 85% of couples
who are currently living together now
will not be married in 10 years.

In other words,
they will either break up or they'll be divorced.
But there is about a 15% rate of success
10 years from now.

So, how can we NOT talk about the subject?

I know that there are those who
feel like this is a socially sensitive issue that
should not be addressed in church.

But if we can't talk about it here,
where do we talk about it?

There are some people who think,
"Let's just sweep this under the rug.
Maybe it is not the right thing but
let's look the other way because, after all,
it has become accepted.
It is just the world we live in."

Yet if you really love someone then
how do you just let them go down that path?

As a church we love people.
We care about marriages and about future families.
We want God's very best for everyone in those areas. So we want to talk about this honestly.

So, 1st of all, lets talk about
I. God:  The Designer of Marriage.
You see, marriage was thought of by God.
He is the designer.
He is the architect.
This whole thing about marriage being decided
by the courts or
a matter of personal opinion
is just NOT how it works.
God owns the copyright.

Back in Genesis 2 we read of how
God created both woman and marriage.
Genesis 2:18, "18 The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.'" Then down in Verse 21 we read, "21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man."
Now, comes the part that we find in the traditional wedding.
"23 The man said,
       'This is now bone of my bones
       and flesh of my flesh;
       she shall be called 'woman,'
       for she was taken out of man.'

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh."

With this very first marriage in the book of Genesis,
God is establishing for the rest of us for all of time:
one man, one woman, united as one flesh.

Which leads us to
II. Marriage:  A Supernatural Union.
I think that phrase "one flesh"
helps us understand why
living together before marriage is so destructive.

When a wedding takes place there is a union.
It is a supernatural union of 2 lives becoming one.

In fact, you will often see in a wedding ceremony
what is called "the lighting of the unity candle".
The bride and the groom will together light a center candle and then they will blow out their individual candles.
The candles they blow out represent
the families and the lives they are leaving behind and
their new unity.
The 2 are now 1.

Now the word "one" used here in Genesis 2
to describe the intimacy between a husband and a wife would have held all kinds of significance
for the Jewish people, because
3 times a day they would say a prayer
where this word would be used.

The prayer says,
"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one."

That word "one,"
the same word that is used
to describe the unity of the Godhead,
is used to describe the oneness in marriage.

So, this oneness that takes place in a marriage is something that we are to protect.

Hebrews 13:4 says, "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."

So God wants us to honor the sacredness
of intimacy in marriage.
He wants us to protect it as
something that is reserved for that
committed relationship alone.
I heard about a college girl who was engaged and
in her dorm room she had a poster that said,
"Countdown to sex."
Each day a number came off.
I think that is awesome because
it not only provided a great witness to
the rest of the girls on her floor but
it also held her accountable.
She was saying,
"I'm going to protect the intimacy of my marriage.
I am going to guard it."

Now, I understand there are some husbands
who have a similar posters in their bedrooms, but
for different reasons.
But that's another topic!!!

So, when a couple is married publicly and
they consummate their marriage privately
there is a supernatural union that takes place.

There are a number of words for sex in the Hebrew.
One of them literally means "a mingling of the souls."
Isn't that beautiful?
Sex is "a mingling of the souls."

So there is this supernatural side to our sexuality.
And when a couple who isn't married
crosses those physical boundaries,
when they don't guard their oneness,
then the intimacy of their marriage begins to erode.

C.S. Lewis began life as an atheist. 
He had many women.
But then he became a Christian.

As one of the great minds of the 1900s he wrote,
"The danger of sexual intercourse outside of marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual union) from all other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it."

In other words, sex in the relationship is a package deal, and when you remove it from
the rest of the marriage union
the whole thing begins to erode and
it loses the supernatural connecting power that
God intended for it to have.

Stephen Arterburn helps us understand this. He writes:
"Sexual pleasure is one of the most intense human experiences. Physically speaking, when a man or a

woman reaches sexual excitement, nerve endings release a chemical into the brain called opioid. Opioid means "opium like" and it is a good description of the power of the chemical. Apart from a heroin induced experience, nothing is more physically addicting than sex."
He goes onto say: "This is a wonderful thing in a committed marriage relationship because this chemical helps to bond two people together."

These chemicals that are released help to connect people.
In a way, it addicts you to the other person.
You have this supernatural union.

He goes onto say, "There can be a downside to the pleasure of sex, however. If sexual experiences happen outside of the context of a committed marriage, a sex act can move from being a simple pleasure to an addiction in and of itself." He says, "Instead of being bonded to a person you become bonded to the act."

And that is what has happened in our society.
People have become addicted to sex.
While sex was meant to be used to bond them to a person, they've become bonded to the act itself.

So one of God's greatest gifts to you is this
oneness that is sealed and brought together
through sexual intimacy.

It is God's will for you that you guard that gift,
that you protect that oneness in your marriage.
The more casual you are with it,
the more likely you are to lessen that intimate bond that
God wants you to have.

And what is interesting is that
social research and secular studies
are confirming what the Bible has always taught.
Non-Christian based studies are showing
what the Bible has said all along.

The University of Chicago interviewed more than
3,400 Americans in order to draw some
definitive statements about human sexuality and
do you know what they found?
"Our results could be read to mean that an orthodox view of romance, courtship and sexuality is the only route to happiness and sexual satisfaction."
Isn't that interesting?

Which brings us to our 3rd point:
III. Christians:  The Most Sexually Fulfilled.

Now here you have secular researchers surprised to find what the Bible teaches is true.
But then, God is the one who thought of it, right?
He is the one who designed sex.
Marriage (the whole thing) was His idea.

He gave us an instruction manual called the Bible and when we follow that
it works the best.

The University of Chicago, also found that
the most consistently sexually satisfied women
are married conservative Christians! 
WOW!!!!
I wonder if we could reach more people if
we did commercials and billboards asking,
"Do you want to be sexually satisfied?"
Just a thought.

USA Today had an article on this topic and
they titled it:  "Revenge of the Church Ladies."
The conclusion of the article said, "The public image of sex in America bears virtually no relationship to the truth."

Did you catch that?
What we are seeing on television,
what we are watching in movies,
what we are filling our minds with
bears virtually no resemblance to what is real.

The problem is we have a whole generation
who believe these things.

Maybe some of you are there.
You feel like you are missing out because
you are not experiencing sexual freedom.

Maybe you think you are missing out because
you are saving yourself for marriage.

But the research says otherwise. 
Studies from Yale to the
University of Victoria, in British Columbia,
say you are the ones who are NOT missing out!
The media does not show reality.

Research shows that living together before marriage decreases the level of commitment;
it decreases sexual satisfaction;

it increases the risk of unfaithfulness
(Some studies show about 6 fold.);
it increases abuse;
it increases the likelihood of divorce and
when there is a child involved in the relationship
they are the ones who pay a price.

The National Council on Family Relations,
a secular study,
found that those who cohabited before marriage were simply less happy than those who didn't.

Psychology Today is anything but Christian based.
Yet, in the August 2005 issue
it had an article entitled, "The Cohabitation Trap:
When 'Just Living Together' Sabotages Love."
It said: "Living together before marriage seems like" [Doesn't that remind you of Proverbs 14:12,
"There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death."?]
"Living together before marriage seems like a smart way to road test the relationship. But cohabitation may lead you to wed for all the wrong reasons--or turn into a one-way trip to splitsville."

God's way is still the best way.
We've seen so much research on
why we should be sexually pure, but
there is an even better reason.

And that is that God calls it a sin,
which brings us to our 4th point,
IV. Sexual Immorality:  A Sin.


You see, it is an issue of obedience.
And disobedience has terrible consequences.

Look at Hebrews 13:4 again: "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure," [Why?] "for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral."
And the term, "sexually immoral" includes premarital sex.

Folks, we cannot slough it off and say,
"Well, everybody's doing it."
God's standard has not changed.
The warning comes of love - God's and ours.

The problem is, people like to rationalize their sin
thinking it somehow makes it right.

They say things like,
"We're married in God's eyes."

No, you're not.
I am sorry, but you are not.

God says we are to obey the laws of the land.
The state law says you need a marriage license
before you can be married.
Without that, you are not married
in the eyes of the state nor in the eyes of God.

To help us understand what it means
to be married in God's eyes,
let's go back to the traditional wedding ceremony.

It says, "Christian marriage is not a contract between only two parties, it is a covenant among three. You make your vows, not only to each other, but to God. He is to

be in your home that you are establishing. It is He who will hold you to each other."

You see, vows need to be made.

The vows state, "Do you take this woman to be your wedded wife, to live together in the holy estate of matrimony? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health; and forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto her, so long as you both shall live?"

"So as long as you both shall live."
This is far different than cohabitating.
Marriage does not have a trial run.

Which brings us to our 5th point:
V. Marriage:  A Life-long Commitment.

David Gudgel points out that
couples who are living together before marriage,
whether they know it or not,
are creating a mindset that is
performance-based in their relationship.

In other words, they are approaching their relationship with "how are you going to meet my needs?"
Subconsciously they are thinking,
"If you meet my needs,
if you satisfy me sexually,
if you make me feel good,
if you provide for me,
if you don't get on my nerves too much,
if you put the toilet seat down,
if you are good enough for me-then I'll marry you."

And even if they do get married
they carry that same process into the marriage.

That is so different from
the unconditional, committed love
created by doing it God's way.

Listen to how this love is expressed in the
Wedding Ceremony.
"I, [the Groom], take you [the Bride], to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part. As a symbol of my love, I give you this ring."

There is a satirical magazine called The Door, and
it suggests that couples living together
should share the following vows:
I, John, take you, Mary, to be my cohabitant, to have sex with and to share bills with. I'll be around while things are good but I probably won't be if things get tough. If you should get a cold, I'll run to the drugstore for some medicine. If you get sick to the point where you can no longer meet my needs, then I'll have to move on. Forsaking many others I will be more or less faithful to you for as long as it feels good to me. If we should break up, it doesn't mean this wasn't special for me. I commit to live with you for as long as this works out.

To call something a trial marriage is an oxymoron.
It's like calling something "temporarily permanent."
It just doesn't make any sense.
Marriage is a life-long commitment.
So, if any of you listening to this sermon are
just living together,
if you are a Christian,
repent of your sin and
move apart until after you are united in marriage.

You cannot call yourself a follower of Jesus and
continue to live in open rebellion.

Yes, all of us stumble and fall along the way.
We are all sinners.
We all do things that we regret.
But there is a big difference between stumbling and
in living in open rebellion.

So if you are a Christian
repent of your sins and move apart.
If you are not a Christian, then
repent of your sin,
accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior,
accept God's grace and forgiveness in your life,
accept His fresh start.
Then decide that you, with the power of the Holy Spirit,
are going to surrender this area of your life to Him and
move apart.

I know you don't want to hear "move apart".
I understand that it can be scary.
I understand that it can be inconvenient.
Maybe you are lonely.

But always remember that God's way is best and that
you will be held accountable one day.
It's all about love, true love.

God's grace is unbelievable.
It is amazing.
He can forgive anything that you have done.

You are in a room full of people who are
completely dependent on God's grace, and
as we speak these things to you-believe me!-
we don't do it with a judgmental spirit.
We do it with open arms and an open heart.

Yes, God loves you just the way you are.
BUT He doesn't want you to stay that way.
Whether you are cohabitating or not,
maybe you have been trying to
just live with Jesus.
Let Him meet your needs, but
no commitment.

We invite you today to go all the way.
To accept Jesus, not as just Savior, but also
as Lord of your life.
To commit the rest of your life to Him.

If you are ready to do that today,
come forward in faith as we sing and
show that commitment in baptism.

Or maybe you've already done that and
would like to officially
make Harvest Pointe your church family and
place your membership with us.
Then come, as we sing.
Based on a 2008 sermon of Kyle Idleman of South East Christian Church, Louisville, Kentucky